


The Hubris of Man

by ChurchOfGamzee



Series: Season One: THE ASCENSION. [6]
Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bald, Alternate Universe - Juggalos, It's MY Fanfiction I Get to Choose the Tags!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 04:37:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15135257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChurchOfGamzee/pseuds/ChurchOfGamzee
Summary: Akhos gets his stupid ass killed!(Lore for the Juggaloverse.)





	The Hubris of Man

It was a Morning.

"FUCK YOU GODDAMN SUN." Akhos shouted, as he awoke. He tossed bread into the sun. He hated the sun. it came back, now toasted. He loves the sun. He ate his Toast, borrowed Patroka's Eyeliner, and went to the stairs, before falling down them. Ouch! His entire body was wracked with pain and pure agony, and he felt one of his bones poking out of his skin. If his tender epidermis had voice and thought, it would ask for Avacadoes.

"Hmmm." Akhos said, as he straightened himself onto his feet, as if he did not just fall. "I need to do that again," he told himself, as he briskly walked back up the stairs. "The rest of my life will be filled with similar bullshit. Experience is the only way I can prepare myself." However, he also had to do it for a secret reason. Akhos fell down them once more, but not beofre putting on Teen Idol by Marina and the Diamonds. True Emos only!!!! now, he was ready for the day.

Time to do stupid shit!

-Montage of Akhos doing Shit-

Then Uhhhh Lunch came around, and he saw the Sexiest Man Alive.... NOT. Mikhail looked like shit. He's a big ol' Ugly weirdo; he's not goth At All So nobody knew WHY He was allied with Torna when Torna was explicitly a Bald Goths Only Zone. HE HAS HAIR AND HE JOINED TOO???? Seriously; HOW Stupid do you have to be to look ugly?! No. NO WHY IS HE SITTING ACROSS FROM HIM. NO!!!!!!!1

"Akhos why won't your Hot Lesbian Sister Fuck me." He asked, with the Tip of his Top Hat. Akhos slurped Molten Lava. Slrrp Slrrp Slrrp!!!!! mmmmmm taste lava.

"I don't know." Akhos answered. "Truthfully i don't know how anyone Could Resist Your Sexiness." He added, as His Yuri Hands wrote down more notes for his Extremely Tragic Story he was writing Very Tragic please read You Will Cry 1000000000 times I'm Already Crying thinking about it and you are too.

"Aw Akhos you're so sweet!!! im glad you Know I'm A Sexy Beast :)" Mikhail said.

He didn't look up from his notes. If he looks at Mkhail one more Time he was going to go blind because Mikhail was that fucking ugly. Hmmmmmmmm he needss to make this saucy. It has to cause the Final Impact or it's Awful, but in reality Everything Akhos Did Was Fucking Awful because it's Not Perfect. Still, he was going to put effort into this. Hmmm. Fsex is very tragic, right? Yeah. horny.

"Mikhail can we Get Saucy Tonight? I need to get slammed."  
"No."  
"y"  
"you're Vriginia; one of the First States of America." Conneticut!Mikhail replied.  
"I don't HAVE to be Virginia, you simply choose to Force me to Live this way." Virginia!Akhos argues. Truthfully, he wanted to be Ontario, or

"Akhos, I cannot slam you! uves never done it!"  
Time for a more direct Apporcoh! Lo. he put his hands on Mikhail's Shoulders  
"Listen to me Young man."  
"I'm Years Old"  
"Young man. Listen to me. You will."

"Fine"

They set a date and time so Akhos would Enter Mikhail's nest . The TIme arrived and Akhos dramatically threw Open the door to Mikhail's room.  
To no ones surprise, Mikhail's room looked a lot like the US Government anytime a Republican takes office: An embarrassing disaster. Akhos shut the fuckin door or some shit.

Then he realized Mikhail had stripped into a really sensual outfit. it would honestly be hot if the Architext didn't plop unseasoned brick ramen on his bald head and called it good. Nice try, Architect! You're still geetting killed.

Akhos got naked and straped himself in. Just like they say; One, Two, Buckle my shoe, or in this case, Seatbelt, Three, four, He Shut the Door, Five Six, Pick up Sticks, Seven, Eight, Don't be Straight, Nine, Ten, Author can't count this high! What are you, My parents?! Now I know my ABC's, next time Please don't sing with me!

"so."

"so...?" Akhos pressed, fidgetting with the Seatbelt.   
"What do you want to do first? Hide and seek, Tag, Gotta start off simple, don't we."  
Hmm. AKhos wouldn't lie-- the Concept of playing Hide and seek like this -was- Arousing. But, he's a simple man at heart, contrare to what most thought.

"How about I spy?" Akhos teased.

"Ohhhh." Mikhail winked, from Above him.  "I like that. You go first, four eyes."

Akhos gave the sexiest chuckle he could. "Ok I spy someth

** [The Following Scenes are too Hawt for readers. The Church does not condone komaeda. ** _**]** _

  
Jesus Christ, Akhos couldn't handle Cressidus' Yaoi hands in his ass and now he's fucking dead or... Wait.... Akhos was Evolving???  
The room lit up and when Mikhail could see again... Woah! Akhos evolved into Akghost!!! Same as before, but His lower torso was Kinda like. A Whisp instead of his Usual Junk being there.

"Oh shit I thought you died."  
"I did, you fucking swine."

Mikhail busted out a radio, and put on The Hit Song-- Ghostbusters.  
"Mikhail you Just fucking Killed me and Made me a fucking Ghost and All you want is to Fuck me to Ghostbusters?"

"I Gotta bust the Goghsts Akghost!"  
  
"Oh Yeah!??!?!" Akghost got really mad at that, and snapped. "LET ME BUST YOU THEN!!!"

";)"  
Mikhail Regretted that instantly, when

** [This scene is far too grotesque for the average reader to partake in. We're not heathens, here at the church, so we have removed the scene.] **

"Malos?"

"..."

"Are you up, Malos?"

"...No."

He was mad at Jin. he used his powers again, and they hurt him. No racecar bed for jin. He's fucking sleeping on the boring mattress.

"I want to play a game."

...Fine, he will at least give him a game.

"You get one." 

"The floor is lava."  
  
"Ok."  
They laid on their bed, quiet. He's winning!

SUDDENLY SOME RUDE FUCK BURST IN AND THEY BOTH LOOKED UPS UPER QUCIK  
"OWOWOWO WFJKWBAHT THE FUCK"

IT'S MCHIll!!! 

"OK MALOS YOU WIN YOU WIN." JIN SAID And Mikhail stopped cryng in pain, without a moments hesitation. Upon further inspetion Akhos was there, but it.... Didn't Look like AKhos, HUH???

"Akhos??"  
"I've Evolved into Akghost." Akh--, er, Akghost said.

"It's my Fault," Mikhail Admitted, "But I don't Regret it, after YOU Blew up my D--"

"Enough" Jin ordered in his deep voice. He hung up the phone. "Ok they said we'll have to wait 5 minutes."

-5 Minutes later-

"Ok it's five minutes we can talk againg" Jin said.

"What's going on." Patroka said, moseying into the area.  
"Mikhail basically slammed Akhos so hard he died, and then Akhos because Akghost, who fried off his dick, and some of his toes which he proceeded to devour." Malos explained

"" Patroka said, as she lost her shit. She took it anyways. Mikhail's existance was really cringey honestly, so her Cringe Compilation was mostly him.

"This is funny you guys," Akghost said. "But I want to return to being a Not-Ghost." He Said,t to avoif d spoilers.

"Hmmm well I know of a legendy." Jin said, getting off of the bed. Malos got off the racecar bed at sometime too. Fuckc off.

"Tell me more." Akghost leaned in.

"Well...it says if we go over to [REDACTED], there will existed a mysterious being that Can Show us How to Obtain any Wish." Jin said.

"Great! How do we get there."  
"Well the legends say we must remove all hairsmand Our Ears to hear the directions."

Everyone got their ears Removed. They had to restore Akghost to Akhos Prom!!!! HE'S THE DAAAAAAAAANCING KING, YOUNG AND TWENTY TEEN, NO ALCOHOL FOR HIIIIIIM.

"MIkhail," Patroka said, as she stroked her newely bald head, "You have to shave your head too."

"N, no!" Mikhail said. He loved his hair.

Then Mikhail was tackled to the ground by Malos, and Jin, as Patroka got the glory of shaving his head (Akghost was content with exploding Mik's Peenus)

AND NOW!!! I PRESENT TO YOU

.

.

.

.

.

 

.

.

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.

.

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.

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.

 

And Suddenly, they heard the voice!!!

_...Come to [REDACTED].... Me thinks I Can help...._

"Let's set sail!!" Mikhail said, trying to cheer himself up from the |  || || |_ of his Hair.

They then went to [REDACTED], and found an odd sigil upon the ground, with a locked door in front of it. 

"So Like..." patroka Puts her hand on her hip. "How do we open this door? Like, it obviously needs the sigil but..."

Akghost just floated through the door.

"Wow!!! Fuck you too." Patroka snaps.

"Uhhh Go go gadget Dicksmasher!" mikhail tries.

Nothing happens. Right. He isn't inspector Gadbet!! What was the tihnking!!!

ethe door feel off.

ok

They follow after Akhos' Lead, into a quaintt, but quality room.

[Background Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZnT31JeBTg]

  
"WELCOME!!!"  
The 4.5 People turn to see a large green nopon Greeting them.  
"Bana's The name! Help is Bana's Game!!"

"So Jesus, basically." Jin points out.

"Bana is stronger than all gods!" 

He's probably correct, but they need the help of the Gods God.

"You. Have to help us. Akghost over here got his stupid ass killed." Malos asked. 

"Bana is a sexy god, and will Help friendies!" Bana agreed.

"To make your friednypon not a deddiepon, you must become Juggalos! Then Friendypons must defeat Praetor chan!" Bana explained,

"It ok we use your Juggalo stuff?" Mikhail asks.

Bana, really deep voice: "Affimative."

Everyone began changing into Juggalos. As they changed, they felt... true to themselves. They were all Juggalos in the inside, perhaps.

"Hey, Bana, quick question?"

He turned his green, stout body towards Mikhail.

"How do Nopons... y'know." Mikhail gave a wink to be sexy.

Bana laughed at that.

"Bana show you how Nopon fuck other time!", he said, giving Mikhail's ass a schalp. Mikhail moaned like a ghost. fuck. This Holy place had become defiled by the one who now haunts it.

after they had their Juggalo transformation, they left to go defat Amalthus. if this didnt work, well, that sucks. Akghost is going to have to deal with being a 

Finally, they reach Indol......

The Land of shwodwnds......

"Jin, Malos, you guysx stay Here." Mikhail ordered. "Patroka I don't think you give a shit so You just go ham."

Patroka grinned. Mikhail was a hoe but he knew how to say right things at the right time.

"ME AND AKHOS.... GONNA SETTLE IT....."

"It's Akghost until I'm Alive again." Akghost Corrected, as the two bolted into the Praetorium.

"AMALTHUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" MIKHAIL SCREAMED.

amalthus looked at mikhail.

"hi." he said.

"IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!!!!! YOU ARE THE VERY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NO I'M NOT IM GEORGE.

  
"Amalthus I know prostitutes who can fuck up more ass than you!" Mikhail ejaculated. "And I'm three of them!"

 

But before Mikhail could formulate a plan because this wasn't something He thought through, akghost Eolved into AkghouL!!!! Holy.s iht!!!! He was doing push Ups!!! HE was the fucking Strong!!! Wow!!!!!

Then Akghoul Punched him and reverted into Akhos Prime.

"oh." mkhail said. that was anti climactic, but he gets To Fuck A Nopon tommroow!!! Tha'tll be fun, right??

They went back to the monocerous, which was on fire. Figures.

  
"Oh Damn You're Alive Now!!!!!!!" Malos said.  
In celebration, Torna was rebranded as a Juggalo Squad.

GOOD END   
YOU DIDN'T FUCK UP!!!!!


End file.
